my heart is being made new

well its about time i stop and thank all of my friends for all that they done for me.. so here goes nothing.. each one at a time

Brandy- for the inside jokes, for clowning around, for lunch dates, for laughter, and for a listening ear

Sarah- for being the best little sister and best friend ever!

Kat- thanks for being my closest long distant friend.. and for the “hard” friend who pushes me every time i talk to you

kayla- for being an amazing twin and friend.. and the one of the best roomies EVER!

(in memory of) Stefanie- for being the most amazing longest girlfriend i ever had

Daniel- for being the best boyfriend and friend i could ever ask for… and for caring as much as you do:)

Samuel- for giving me a second chance

Justin- 12, 7, 2… enough said

Austin- for giving me names like ball cleaner and hooker… lol

Wes-for helping me understand

Liz S.- for everything!… you are an amazing friend

Krystal- for your moments in the lobby and at memories at waffle house

Chloe- thanks for you sincere joy and being Daniel’s bestfriend

Rachel- for being my lover and someone who i know who will understand where im coming from

Kristen-for letting me sleep on your floor, your bed.. lol.. oh and for being the compassionate one in my life

Ashley- for always saying hey to me and loving me for who i am and always smiling

katie- for being my roomie for the past 2 years and putting up with the way i live… u will always have a special place in my heart

andrew-thanks for being an amazing boyfriend to my dear kristen

zach-thanks for being such an amazing boyfriend to my lover

travis-thanks for being such an amazing boyfriend to ashley

bo-for always being my friend no matter how busy we are and how far we end up during the school year

liz p-thanks for being my acct. partner and holding my accountable… it means the world to me!

emily- thanks for always having me see the better side of things.. and always glowing every time i see you. you are such a blessing

adam-for always calling to check up on your lil sis

angelo- for seeking me out when no one else will

kyle- for always keeping intouch no matter what!!.. and seeing how im doing

Brady- for the encourgement

mark- for everything. no seriously

my soccer team- for accepting me just and having my back on and off the soccer field!

cuddy- WORD!!

heather- for loving me always.. and being my running partner!

brittany- for ur encourgment

Lauryl- lol… for trying to be awkward

jolley-for being a gamecock fan

byrd- Laner

Jeremiah-for talking things out with me.. and supporting me always

amy-for always lifting me up

lance- still waiting on that song… lol

jeneva- for high school memories and being there when things got tough

kevin e- for being my first friend here at swu. and still my friend today

kevin c- for honestly the gifts and your generious heart

kindel smith- for loving me

logan- thanks for the memories from freshman year!

nick-thanks for the great laughs at meal times

travis- for your overall friendship and having a gf named Karissa

phillip- for being the big brother i never had

tommy- no pickles. enough said thanks for the fun times

jay- thanks for the hugs

tyrome- thanks for the hugs and the high fives they really mean a lot

this might seem kinda cheesy.. but i mean every word.. thank all of you very much for how u all have blessed my life!

well i really have no idea what i want to write but its been almost a month since the last time i wrote a blog.. and i feel like i should try and write something…

well tonight i experience something that put a lot of things into perspective… i discovered the feeling of being lost in the crowd.. i have never really felt this way… but for a span of an hour i felt lost… disengaged…. but i began to think pretty hard about this feeling.. and this is what came to mind..

so whenever someone is looking for a place to belong.. it can be anywhere.. but lets narrow it down to the church or that of Christianity. when someone is looking for a place to belong.. they want to connect on a level that is achievable.. something as personal as possible.. they dont want it to be in their face.. but they do want someone to care…. but when things become crazy and confusing.. they get pushed aside.. they become another face in the crowd.. because every else knows what is going on and where to go from here.. but when your that someone who is searching… u want to follow what feels best.. and that leads you into one direction.. but yet at the same time the group is going in another… its a complicated feeling. but when you discover for yourself what it feels like.. u play the moment back through your head multiple times.. it was different.. trying to figure out how u could  change things… but it wasnt ur job or duty to do so.. it was up to “them” to make the difference.. to reach out to you.. but because of the bliss of life and everything else.. they forget.. they get caught up in the moment..and we honestly leave u behind..

so i want to make a public apology for all of those who at some point in their life have felt “lost in the crowd.” I’m sorry as a congregation of Christians we have not done a better job of protecting you from such a feeling of hurt and disbelief.   so once again i am sorry..and i hope you can forgive us of our mistakes. for we are not perfect… dispite the way we may seem.

right now i cant really explain how i feel right now.. other than God is completely changing my heart yet again… tears are falling from my eye and i cant help the knot i feel in my throat and my stomach.. so lately i have been just been radicaly changed my eyes have shed tears for so many different reasons and for this time its not because of what i am going through but the tears of those who have it far worse then myself.. my cheeks burn and my heart is just being ripped apart for what breaks God’s.  over the course of the past few weeks i have come across somethings that truly speak what i feel and i would like to share them with those that read my blogs… God is doing something amazing and we are all about to see it for our own eyes.

When you let all else go and just “be” with God, when you simply worship Him because He is, He… will give you His joy and His rest. ~ Stormie Omartian

here is a song that speaks volumes: by andrew peterson

After the last tear falls
After the last secret’s told
After the last bullet tears through flesh and bone
After the last child starves
And the last girl walks the boulevard
After the last year that’s just too hard

There is love
Love, love, love
There is love
Love, love, love
There is love

After the last disgrace
After the last lie to save some face
After the last brutal jab from a poison tongue
After the last dirty politician
After the last meal down at the mission
After the last lonely night in prison

There is love
Love, love, love
There is love
Love, love, love
There is love

And in the end, the end is
Oceans and oceans
Of love and love again
We’ll see how the tears that have fallen
Were caught in the palms
Of the Giver of love and the Lover of all
And we’ll look back on these tears as old tales

‘Cause after the last plan fails
After the last siren wails
After the last young husband sails off to join the war
After the last “this marriage is over”
After the last young girl’s innocence is stolen
After the last years of silence that won’t let a heart open

There is love
Love, love, love
There is love

And in the end, the end is
Oceans and oceans
Of love and love again
We’ll see how the tears that have fallen
Were caught in the palms
Of the Giver of love and the Lover of all
And we’ll look back on these tears as old tales

‘Cause after the last tear falls
There is love

Here is a poem written by Bertolt Brecht that has changed my life:

when evil-doing comes like falling rain

Like one who brings an important letter to the counter after office hours: the counter is already closed.

Like one who seeks to warn the city of an impending flood, but speaks another language. They do not understand him.

Like a beggar who knocks for the fifth time at the door where he has four times been given something: the fifth time he is hungry.

Like one whose blood flows from a wound and who awaits the doctor: his blood goes on flowing.

So do we come forward and report that evil has been done us.

The first time it was reported that our friends were being butchered there was a cry of horror. Then a hundred were butchered. But when a thousand were butchered and there was no end to the butchery, a blanket of silence spread.

When evil-doing comes like falling rain, nobody calls out ’stop!’

When crimes begin to pile up they become invisible. When sufferings become unendurable the cries are no longer heard. The cries, too, fall like rain in summer.

i know both of these works speak for themselves very well.. but tonight my God my true God spoke to me and woke me up.. rattled me inside and out.. and i desire to do something about it… I am turning 21 tomorrow.. what does that mean? i does mean that im legal and i can go get drunk anytime i wish to now.. but i wont.. nor do i have the desire to do so… but it does mean something.. it means my LIFE IS 1/4 OVER!! i means that im not guaranteed that i will live those other 3/4 of my life… so what have i done thus for to say for myself… i have been thinking greatly and i have come to conclusions and others have shared their input.. for which im very grateful for… but something is different now.. i am an adult and i have a life ahead of me that is filled with greatness for the GLORY of God.. and I Carissa im very excited and over joyed and also very overwhelmed by the calling that has been placed on my life… i cant nor will i do it on my own.. for tomorrow is the beginning of a grand amount of steps that it will take to SHINE FOR THE GLORY OF GOD AND HIS KINGDOM!

may you be blessed and my all of your days be blessed b/c u are indeed the son and daughter of a most high God

I have experienced a lot in the past almost 21 yrs of my life…. my faith in God has been tested so much lately.. more than i hope to admit…. But wow i cant express how for the first time in a month i have come to a peace i have never ever felt about my life.

In the past i have continually just demanded more of things.. from attention, to relationships, to material things, and the list goes on and on.  I have lost a lot in the past 3 months.. but have gained far more than i could ever imagine!! everything i had gained has been in God.  he has restored me from this painful period in my life.  I am discovering what it means to complete give myself up and not allowing anything left of me.  To be sold out completely to Him… and it has brought like i said earlier this since of peace that passes all understanding!! i can take this deep breathe and truly understand what it feels like to exhale and allow God to take every breath i breathe…

in Jeremiah 33:1-3, 6-9.. it talks about Judah and the fight with the Babylonians. This passage has spoken to me greatly because it talks about turmoil and strife and then also accounts for the peace that filled the place afterwards because of God.  He says that he will rebuild the two cities as they were, and will cleanse them from all the sin they have committed against me… and in verse it says then this city will bring ME REKNOWN JOY, PRAISE, AND HONOR BEFORE ALL THE NATIONS ON EARTH and they will be in awe and will tremble at the abundant prosperity and peace i provide for it… i dont know how else to explain it other then the obvious before your own eyes.

God is moving and MY HEART IS BEING MADE NEW! and im sooo excited!!! my heart fills with joy and peace as i think about my future, i just cant contain myself!

so for the rest of the semester this is what im up to!

-giving my time to IGNITE

-LOVING my adopted sister Marrissa!!

-growing in and with K.R.A.C.K

-playing soccer for my third college season

-trying out for a position of RA here @ SWU

-establishing friendships to last me a life time

-growing in knowledge about my major!

-and trusting God with my romantic life

-volunteering with relay for life and reach 4 life and rondald mcdonald house

God only you could work a miracle in my life… and its now up to me to take that and run with it and thats my ultimate goal!

well i cant really put into words how i feel right this minute… but i wanted to try and explain something or to someone what is going on.

well tonight i watched josh bales in here @ swu…. so many things ran through my mind. but the only word that i feel is lost.. i feel lost in the huge world that surrounds me. i question this God that has created me and restored me.. but yet has ripped things from my life that i never thought he would take.

death has become far to familiar to me.. and i dont know how to feel about it all.. death is so permanent.. as my mom said if u get into an accident you can recover you can get a new car.. if you brake a bone it heals over time and your bone becomes stronger.. but when someone dies they are gone forever.. well at least from this earth… they are in heaven with God our father for the rest of eternity.. but why is there this thing called death if it causes so much pain to those who are related to them.

i dont even know if any of this is making since.. but im so broken.. so hurt.. so confused that i cant swallow this pain that has formed in my heart… tears fill my eyes.. and im lost for words to explain… i reach out to God and he answers and he comforts me.. but at the same time i find it hard to take my heart and heal it…

“ya it must be scary knowing its God that loves you.. but you find it hurts even when he wants the best for us but we have to be broken as apart his plan.”-kat

i miss stefanie i miss everyone back @ home.. but yet when i leave swu i miss everyone here.. ugh.. i w ant to just sit in the presence of the Lord and just dwell there until everything comes to an end…

my mind isnt racing.. but it sure isnt quite.. my body wants to run but my legs wont wan to carry me.. a time will come where i will learn something from this all.. and this adversity will make me a strong Christian… but why does the fire hurt so much in the purification of becoming the Godly woman God wants me to be…

Lord its all i can do to worship you at the moment right now. so please be patient with this heart of mine… please

life is a funny thing… it comes and goes all to fast…way to fast.. each of us are guilty of spending to much of something or another.. and neglecting those things that matter the most… like friendships or loved ones..

Stefanie Wynne Pressley was a true friend, one that never asked for much of anything. She never boasted and never give anyone trouble unless it was something she was passionate about.  I met stef through my mom and grandmother. In the 8th grade she attended my grandmother’s tutoring place.. and my mom became her tutor.  we quickly discovered that she lived right behind us.

High school came before we knew it. and we quickly became the best of friends. Our group grew quickly and there was were about 6 of us. Jeneva, Lauren, Ryan, Jessica, Stefanie, and myself.  we bounded pretty quickly and over the course of the next 4 yrs our friendship grew.

Stefanie was a very simple girl…. she had such a diverse love of things… she loved the glitz and glamor of Hollywood… but @ the same time loved country.  She always wanted a camo wedding… and for the longest time we had a running joke that whenever we got married and started our own families that she would have a pet pig and i would have a pet cow and we would name them unis-abligal and ullis… and they would be the best of friends.

Many times we would go out to lunch together off campus and just talk and joke about teaches, friends, and life. There were many times where we did things for each other that ment the world and i knew for a matter of fact she had my back.

Dolly Parton was her idol and if she could be anyone it would have been her.  Tinkerbell was her all time favorite cartoon, kenny chesney was her favorite male singer, burger king, pink flamingos, feathers, shoes, purses animal skin, the beach, flip flops, t-shirts, sweat pants.

on facebook people nominated her to be the coolest, most helpful, and most out going person they knew.

there are so many memories i have with you stef and i will never forget them or you. you have a special place in my heart that no other friend will ever fill. tomorrow will be the last time i see your face on this earth.. but stef its to hard to say good-bye so im not going to… so instead im going to say i’ll see you again real soon.

may you dance like you have never danced before your heavenly father, say hello to coca and troy for me… and one day i will join in the dance before our Lord.

R.I.P Stefanie Wynne Pressley

well here i am back on my college campus and have gotten through 1 1/2 day of classes. it hasnt been to shabby.  new things have been brought to my attention and old ones are still very present in the best way possible… i am very thankful for the restoration process i am currently going through and look forward to see what is in store.

well now to the real reason why i even got on. have u heard the song recently on christian radio stations by brandon heath… well im sure you have.. well the chorus goes a little something like this:

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
Ones that are far beyond my reach.
Give me your heart for the ones forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see.

well over the course of the the christmas break i had the honor and privilege to work @ cici’s (a pizza buffet). well the chorus happened to me while i was there… so much happens around me that i am so unaware of…and my heart broke.. cici’s has been the best example of the christian walk i have lived through in a quite some time.

Cici’s is known for its atmosphere and its quality of pizza.. and the generally low prices for a bit to eat.

When you enter and leave cici’s you are greeted with “Welcome to Cici’s!” and “Bye thank you.” And thats what you are supposed to do when you are a christian you are supposed to welcome those into your life with no prior expectations and when they are no longer apart of our life for whatever reason you wish them good bye and thank you for the why they impacted your life and not other way around.

At Cici’s it is all about servant hood.. the the customers have no power and you have the all the power to give them whatever they need or want.  They have the ability to have whatever pizza they would like for no extra cost but it is up to make it.  As Christians we are supposed to have the kind of mind set.  We are supposed to put everything aside and help. no matter the circumstances or the condition or the detail involved we are responcible to help their needs be met and God’s love shown through.

At Cici’s so many different types of people came through those doors.  Every walk of life came through those doors, and every walk of life worked their as well.  it was the most diverse place i have ever worked at. and as you can guess the Christian body is the same exact way.

and finial thing that really hit me heard while i work there for only a short period of time.. what makes cici’s different then most pizza buffet places is there are cheers that must be said when certain pizzas come out. for example.. when a cheese pizza is placed on the buffet this is what is said, “Hot fresh cheese pizza on the buffet.. it aint easy being cheesy.” well at first i didnt not want to do this @ all for the fear of what people might think of me when i did so.  over the course of the weeks i learned them all and become more comfortable with yelling them out. but it didnt just become a matter of yelling it became a chance to minister to the people around me. many ppl came up to me and said they really enjoyed watching me work and made the whole experience that much better.

in relation to christianity it like spreading gospel. at first none of us are comfortable doing it… nor is anyone in the “world” expect you to do so… but its a the only way to communicate the truth of what God is. and when you get over the first step u fall in love with doing it because of the impact it has on those recieving it.

the way my cici’s work was there was a pretty high wall that seperates the buffet from the sitting area.. and while sitting down you cannot see over it… and shouting out the type of pizza is being put out is the only way they will find out, unless they get up themself and come and discover. Like the Christian faith unless they are hurting and lost to the point of taking the step out in faith and trying to figure out whats on the other side of the wall… we need to speak up and reach out to them and let them know whats on the other side.. so they dont have to be afraid of being dispointed in something esle that will leave them empty.

in the end a happy cici’s customer will leave full and ready to continue on with the rest of their day.  Spending time with God is the same way. Spending time with Him will leave you happy and full.. and ready for the rest of your day.

oh and the best thing is that this gift is free!

I dont know about you… but God opened my eyes to something bigger then myself….

a funny thing happens when you fall in love… everything changes.. and you cant go back the way things used to be. when everything seems like a page in a fairy tale story.. when when you look @ them in the eyes and can see urself looking back… how ur hand fits inside of theirs.. and how when you hug them you loose all sense of fear.. when they make you laugh or cry your grateful for it not matter the reasons why… when you go on walks and drive to far away places you want time to stop in its tracks and spend the rest of the moment with them…. but when that feelings stops from the other side like a clock.. ur stomach drops.. ur throat chokes up.. and tears form in your eyes… u want to puke every where and your heart forms a sharp pain in it…

when you love someone so much.. but they just cant get it… it HURTS i have never ever felt this much pain ever!!…

when you love someone to the point where u would so anything for them.. and then just see them move on.. ur crushed confused, and alone… or at least it seems that way…. u want everything to work out.. u want to be with them..

u want push the fast forward button and see where you end up.. u want it to be like the movies where years pass and he discovers that all along he was loved you and couldnt go on with you. u want the happy ending…

and well for right now that wont happen.. dispite all of this pain i must rely that God has a bigger plan for me and that i must wait and be obeident and stick with his timing.

with all of this pain like my blog title is my heart is being made new.. and it will continue to be for the next 2 yrs.

ok… so my mind wont stop.. i cant get it to.. it keeps thinking why and what if this and that…

it is christmas day and i feel like crap inside.. not like a cold sick.. but my heart is sad.. and on this day i should be thankful for all of the great things for the year and my family i am.. but i cannot shake this feeling inside… it sucks!

i want to kick and scream and cry until my eyes are as red as rudolph’s nose!… i dont know what to do.. im so confused hurt and ashamed.. i want God to explain to me why.. why must go through this pain all over again for the 2nd time in 6 months… did i do this to myself.. or was this done to me?

i want to love i want to be loved… and i know God can offer this to me.. but to be truthful i want a love outside of that.. and for once i thought i had found it.. and then a like a balloon being popped everything changed in a matter of 2 weeks.. my whole world was shaken once again…

IM HURTING!!! and i DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!! i know i will survive but right now i cant feel it.. i feel hopeless.. i know i could pray more about it all.. and that would help.. but right now i just dont feel like it.. my heart is so tender i just feel like no one can understand how i feel or grasp what im trying to say..

many of you have told me that you are here for me and are praying… but none of you are here! u all over the US and not here when needed you.. so i feel like im all by myself.. my parents can only say so much and so much… and then it all starts over again.. i cant stop thinking and therefore i keep typing…

i want to find my prince i want to sit in sunflower field and just get lost in the mazes… i want for him to find me…. and ever time i think he has.. its just not him.. im not seeking.. they seek me out.. and i allow him in and then he just discovers for some reason im not for him.. i just dont like you like that anymore! WHY?! what did i do to change your mind.. what did i do to change things?

ugh! im just so frustrated with life right now…. i have all this love stored up side of me that i want to give away and its hurting me to hold on to it.. and then when i think its time to share it with someone its just not the right one.. and then i back fires in my face.. and i end up getting hurt…

i dont know what to do…. and where to go from here…. for once in my life im lost.. and dont want to be found.. so just leave me be and ill find my way back whenever im ready.

well.. a light bulb went off today while here at my dad’s house. having nothing on my mind and nothing really worry about when it comes to school.

well as some of you have read in my last post i fell and love and established a relationship this past semester. and well earlier this week the decision was made to remain friends for right now. a lot of rockiness had been present in our relationship over the past 2 weeks… and i honestly had no idea why.. but as i said earlier a light bulb went off.

all along it was me causing stress and confusion… i was a emotional wreck last night due to me and how i deal with things during certain times of the month.. and i took it out on him.. and i shouldnt have.. i screwed up.. it because of me that we stand were i do now..

wow.. what does happen when you discover it was your fault.. it hurts.. and cuts deep.. because u feel as though this whole time you blamed the other for all the problems… man was i stupid..

so here i am publicly saying im sorry for the stupidity that i have shown toward you.. the confusion and the pain i have caused your heart.. why you couldnt understand me at all and why i couldnt understand myself even.. because there is no grasping my emotions during that time.. i just cant do it..and something i have to work on in order to prevent things like this from happening again..

im so sorry DJF… so sorry