my heart is being made new

well i cant really put into words how i feel right this minute… but i wanted to try and explain something or to someone what is going on.

well tonight i watched josh bales in here @ swu…. so many things ran through my mind. but the only word that i feel is lost.. i feel lost in the huge world that surrounds me. i question this God that has created me and restored me.. but yet has ripped things from my life that i never thought he would take.

death has become far to familiar to me.. and i dont know how to feel about it all.. death is so permanent.. as my mom said if u get into an accident you can recover you can get a new car.. if you brake a bone it heals over time and your bone becomes stronger.. but when someone dies they are gone forever.. well at least from this earth… they are in heaven with God our father for the rest of eternity.. but why is there this thing called death if it causes so much pain to those who are related to them.

i dont even know if any of this is making since.. but im so broken.. so hurt.. so confused that i cant swallow this pain that has formed in my heart… tears fill my eyes.. and im lost for words to explain… i reach out to God and he answers and he comforts me.. but at the same time i find it hard to take my heart and heal it…

“ya it must be scary knowing its God that loves you.. but you find it hurts even when he wants the best for us but we have to be broken as apart his plan.”-kat

i miss stefanie i miss everyone back @ home.. but yet when i leave swu i miss everyone here.. ugh.. i w ant to just sit in the presence of the Lord and just dwell there until everything comes to an end…

my mind isnt racing.. but it sure isnt quite.. my body wants to run but my legs wont wan to carry me.. a time will come where i will learn something from this all.. and this adversity will make me a strong Christian… but why does the fire hurt so much in the purification of becoming the Godly woman God wants me to be…

Lord its all i can do to worship you at the moment right now. so please be patient with this heart of mine… please

life is a funny thing… it comes and goes all to fast…way to fast.. each of us are guilty of spending to much of something or another.. and neglecting those things that matter the most… like friendships or loved ones..

Stefanie Wynne Pressley was a true friend, one that never asked for much of anything. She never boasted and never give anyone trouble unless it was something she was passionate about.  I met stef through my mom and grandmother. In the 8th grade she attended my grandmother’s tutoring place.. and my mom became her tutor.  we quickly discovered that she lived right behind us.

High school came before we knew it. and we quickly became the best of friends. Our group grew quickly and there was were about 6 of us. Jeneva, Lauren, Ryan, Jessica, Stefanie, and myself.  we bounded pretty quickly and over the course of the next 4 yrs our friendship grew.

Stefanie was a very simple girl…. she had such a diverse love of things… she loved the glitz and glamor of Hollywood… but @ the same time loved country.  She always wanted a camo wedding… and for the longest time we had a running joke that whenever we got married and started our own families that she would have a pet pig and i would have a pet cow and we would name them unis-abligal and ullis… and they would be the best of friends.

Many times we would go out to lunch together off campus and just talk and joke about teaches, friends, and life. There were many times where we did things for each other that ment the world and i knew for a matter of fact she had my back.

Dolly Parton was her idol and if she could be anyone it would have been her.  Tinkerbell was her all time favorite cartoon, kenny chesney was her favorite male singer, burger king, pink flamingos, feathers, shoes, purses animal skin, the beach, flip flops, t-shirts, sweat pants.

on facebook people nominated her to be the coolest, most helpful, and most out going person they knew.

there are so many memories i have with you stef and i will never forget them or you. you have a special place in my heart that no other friend will ever fill. tomorrow will be the last time i see your face on this earth.. but stef its to hard to say good-bye so im not going to… so instead im going to say i’ll see you again real soon.

may you dance like you have never danced before your heavenly father, say hello to coca and troy for me… and one day i will join in the dance before our Lord.

R.I.P Stefanie Wynne Pressley

well here i am back on my college campus and have gotten through 1 1/2 day of classes. it hasnt been to shabby.  new things have been brought to my attention and old ones are still very present in the best way possible… i am very thankful for the restoration process i am currently going through and look forward to see what is in store.

well now to the real reason why i even got on. have u heard the song recently on christian radio stations by brandon heath… well im sure you have.. well the chorus goes a little something like this:

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
Ones that are far beyond my reach.
Give me your heart for the ones forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see.

well over the course of the the christmas break i had the honor and privilege to work @ cici’s (a pizza buffet). well the chorus happened to me while i was there… so much happens around me that i am so unaware of…and my heart broke.. cici’s has been the best example of the christian walk i have lived through in a quite some time.

Cici’s is known for its atmosphere and its quality of pizza.. and the generally low prices for a bit to eat.

When you enter and leave cici’s you are greeted with “Welcome to Cici’s!” and “Bye thank you.” And thats what you are supposed to do when you are a christian you are supposed to welcome those into your life with no prior expectations and when they are no longer apart of our life for whatever reason you wish them good bye and thank you for the why they impacted your life and not other way around.

At Cici’s it is all about servant hood.. the the customers have no power and you have the all the power to give them whatever they need or want.  They have the ability to have whatever pizza they would like for no extra cost but it is up to make it.  As Christians we are supposed to have the kind of mind set.  We are supposed to put everything aside and help. no matter the circumstances or the condition or the detail involved we are responcible to help their needs be met and God’s love shown through.

At Cici’s so many different types of people came through those doors.  Every walk of life came through those doors, and every walk of life worked their as well.  it was the most diverse place i have ever worked at. and as you can guess the Christian body is the same exact way.

and finial thing that really hit me heard while i work there for only a short period of time.. what makes cici’s different then most pizza buffet places is there are cheers that must be said when certain pizzas come out. for example.. when a cheese pizza is placed on the buffet this is what is said, “Hot fresh cheese pizza on the buffet.. it aint easy being cheesy.” well at first i didnt not want to do this @ all for the fear of what people might think of me when i did so.  over the course of the weeks i learned them all and become more comfortable with yelling them out. but it didnt just become a matter of yelling it became a chance to minister to the people around me. many ppl came up to me and said they really enjoyed watching me work and made the whole experience that much better.

in relation to christianity it like spreading gospel. at first none of us are comfortable doing it… nor is anyone in the “world” expect you to do so… but its a the only way to communicate the truth of what God is. and when you get over the first step u fall in love with doing it because of the impact it has on those recieving it.

the way my cici’s work was there was a pretty high wall that seperates the buffet from the sitting area.. and while sitting down you cannot see over it… and shouting out the type of pizza is being put out is the only way they will find out, unless they get up themself and come and discover. Like the Christian faith unless they are hurting and lost to the point of taking the step out in faith and trying to figure out whats on the other side of the wall… we need to speak up and reach out to them and let them know whats on the other side.. so they dont have to be afraid of being dispointed in something esle that will leave them empty.

in the end a happy cici’s customer will leave full and ready to continue on with the rest of their day.  Spending time with God is the same way. Spending time with Him will leave you happy and full.. and ready for the rest of your day.

oh and the best thing is that this gift is free!

I dont know about you… but God opened my eyes to something bigger then myself….

a funny thing happens when you fall in love… everything changes.. and you cant go back the way things used to be. when everything seems like a page in a fairy tale story.. when when you look @ them in the eyes and can see urself looking back… how ur hand fits inside of theirs.. and how when you hug them you loose all sense of fear.. when they make you laugh or cry your grateful for it not matter the reasons why… when you go on walks and drive to far away places you want time to stop in its tracks and spend the rest of the moment with them…. but when that feelings stops from the other side like a clock.. ur stomach drops.. ur throat chokes up.. and tears form in your eyes… u want to puke every where and your heart forms a sharp pain in it…

when you love someone so much.. but they just cant get it… it HURTS i have never ever felt this much pain ever!!…

when you love someone to the point where u would so anything for them.. and then just see them move on.. ur crushed confused, and alone… or at least it seems that way…. u want everything to work out.. u want to be with them..

u want push the fast forward button and see where you end up.. u want it to be like the movies where years pass and he discovers that all along he was loved you and couldnt go on with you. u want the happy ending…

and well for right now that wont happen.. dispite all of this pain i must rely that God has a bigger plan for me and that i must wait and be obeident and stick with his timing.

with all of this pain like my blog title is my heart is being made new.. and it will continue to be for the next 2 yrs.