my heart is being made new

ok… so my mind wont stop.. i cant get it to.. it keeps thinking why and what if this and that…

it is christmas day and i feel like crap inside.. not like a cold sick.. but my heart is sad.. and on this day i should be thankful for all of the great things for the year and my family i am.. but i cannot shake this feeling inside… it sucks!

i want to kick and scream and cry until my eyes are as red as rudolph’s nose!… i dont know what to do.. im so confused hurt and ashamed.. i want God to explain to me why.. why must go through this pain all over again for the 2nd time in 6 months… did i do this to myself.. or was this done to me?

i want to love i want to be loved… and i know God can offer this to me.. but to be truthful i want a love outside of that.. and for once i thought i had found it.. and then a like a balloon being popped everything changed in a matter of 2 weeks.. my whole world was shaken once again…

IM HURTING!!! and i DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!! i know i will survive but right now i cant feel it.. i feel hopeless.. i know i could pray more about it all.. and that would help.. but right now i just dont feel like it.. my heart is so tender i just feel like no one can understand how i feel or grasp what im trying to say..

many of you have told me that you are here for me and are praying… but none of you are here! u all over the US and not here when needed you.. so i feel like im all by myself.. my parents can only say so much and so much… and then it all starts over again.. i cant stop thinking and therefore i keep typing…

i want to find my prince i want to sit in sunflower field and just get lost in the mazes… i want for him to find me…. and ever time i think he has.. its just not him.. im not seeking.. they seek me out.. and i allow him in and then he just discovers for some reason im not for him.. i just dont like you like that anymore! WHY?! what did i do to change your mind.. what did i do to change things?

ugh! im just so frustrated with life right now…. i have all this love stored up side of me that i want to give away and its hurting me to hold on to it.. and then when i think its time to share it with someone its just not the right one.. and then i back fires in my face.. and i end up getting hurt…

i dont know what to do…. and where to go from here…. for once in my life im lost.. and dont want to be found.. so just leave me be and ill find my way back whenever im ready.

well.. a light bulb went off today while here at my dad’s house. having nothing on my mind and nothing really worry about when it comes to school.

well as some of you have read in my last post i fell and love and established a relationship this past semester. and well earlier this week the decision was made to remain friends for right now. a lot of rockiness had been present in our relationship over the past 2 weeks… and i honestly had no idea why.. but as i said earlier a light bulb went off.

all along it was me causing stress and confusion… i was a emotional wreck last night due to me and how i deal with things during certain times of the month.. and i took it out on him.. and i shouldnt have.. i screwed up.. it because of me that we stand were i do now..

wow.. what does happen when you discover it was your fault.. it hurts.. and cuts deep.. because u feel as though this whole time you blamed the other for all the problems… man was i stupid..

so here i am publicly saying im sorry for the stupidity that i have shown toward you.. the confusion and the pain i have caused your heart.. why you couldnt understand me at all and why i couldnt understand myself even.. because there is no grasping my emotions during that time.. i just cant do it..and something i have to work on in order to prevent things like this from happening again..

im so sorry DJF… so sorry

its been far to long since i have posted.. and i apologize for that.. mostly to myself since not to many others have the time or the interest to read what i have to say.

Well my first semester of sophomore is coming to a quick close in a matter of 4 days. A lot has happen since August 11 when classes started.. and wanted to take some to reflect on how quickly time has passed.

-fixed a broken relationship and missed up another one

-Won regionals for the southern division for soccer and then went to nationals and BLEW IT! oh well there is always next yr!

-Started a relationship that i thought i would never be in.. but couldn’t ask for anything better

-shared secrets to my KRACK

-Had awesome conversations with my mother and father

-watched my sister and 2 cousins grow up to be 3 amazing teenagers!

-experience a constipated fish poor chubba

-lived with my roomie for another semester! haha good times

-fell in love

-maintained my weight that i lost from the summer

-made 4 A’s and 2 B’s whoo hoo! yah GPA

-went to FL twice in a matter of 2 weeks

-ran a 2 mile in 15:32! the fastest time for me ever!

-saw it snow a little here @ swu

-caught up with some old friends via facebook!

-grew my hair out

in conclusion i have had a great semester and look forward to next year with more anticipation then i have in along time!

well off to study for finial exams!

see ya!